また今度; Japanese 'Politeness', and why it's the bane of my life.

I often describe things as the bane of my life, but only when they really annoy me. Things that have annoyed me to the point where I can call it the bane of my life include French, Stairs, and now Japanese social etiquette when it comes to invitations.

If you are Japanese and you have a lot of gaijin friends and you are reading this, take note, because nearly every gaijin friend I have has expressed their frustration with the way Japanese people reject social invitations.

Before coming to Japan, I had heard several rumours about how Japanese people made refusals. People said Japanese people never say 'No', they just say 'Yes', and then don't actually turn up. Whilst that is not actually true, the first part remains fast. In my experience, inviting people tends to follow a few trends.

The first one is simple; they accept, and everything is wonderful and you have a great time. This doesn't happen as often as one would like. But, the problem does not end here. At the end of your your day out, no matter how great, or how absolutely horrific it was, your Japanese friend will always put on a smile and tell you they had a wonderful time, and that you should hang out again soon. They will probably tell you this even if they discovered that they can't stand you. One of my friends told me that when they first arrived in Japan, they met up with somebody who had been to their university (or something like that), but since they had just arrived, they weren't that comfortable using Japanese, and barely said a word during the entire meal. He told me it was terrible, but even so, their Japanese friend sent them a LINE message afterwards telling them how much fun they had and that they should do it again, which my friend firmly insists is definitely a lie. I definitely have trust issues with Japanese people now, and I never know when they are being serious about whether they want to hang out again, or whether they had an awful time. One time, whilst relatively intoxicated, I had to reaffirm with my friend if he really wanted to hang out again, or if he was just doing the polite Japanese thing. He reaffirmed that, yes, he earnestly wanted to hang out again, but of course that hasn't really happened.

Next up, they will step around your question with, 'maybe', or 'I'll try to come'. Don't be fooled. 9 times out of 10, they've already decided they aren't coming, they just don't want to say no. You'll hang around, asking every so often if they can, which they may or may not reply to you, and in the end, they might tell you that they can't before not turning up, or they may just not turn up.

Then, you get the closest thing to a 'No', that happens in Japan. They apologise, and say they really want to come, BUT they have exams/ have no money/are too busy/have (unspecified) plans. Then, they will say また今度 (mata kondo - next time!), and sometimes even ask you to invite them along next time. Now sometimes this does mean that the excuse you have given them is completely true, and that they really want to come. However, more often than it would be nice, it actually means that they either don't want to do the activity you've invited them to, or they don't want to hang out with you at all. For example, if you invite somebody to go to Karaoke, they tell you "Oh, I'm sorry - I have no money. Please invite me next time! Have fun!", when actually, they just don't like karaoke. No doubt, the next time you go, you invite them because you asked, and lo and behold there is another convenient reason that they can't come. It makes me want to shout 'BAG OF LIES LIES LIES' at everybody who tells me また今度.

 On one occasion, I've been told "maybe next time", and I've named the dates of the next two planned events, to which the reply came that even two months away they were too busy, and "maybe next year". The worst is when you've already found out that they aren't busy, or they go out with different people to do something else, and you wonder why they couldn't just be straight with you and say 'actually, I don't really fancy it today', or 'actually, I don't really like karaoke/going drinking/insert activity here'.

Of course, the reason behind this is that it's polite. Nobody wants to just say 'No', but to me it's really frustrating. I don't want to ask somebody time and time again (because they keep asking me to!), for the answer to be no. I've already given up on a few friends who I'm tired of asking. I've learnt to never trust what people say about wanting to hang out, or having had a good time, and it's quite tiresome and hard-going. Maybe one day I will get the hang of it, but for now I'll just carry on smiling, and pretending I don't want to punch everybody who tells me "また今度" in the face.